Inside The Mind Of A Mens Toilet Marketer…
Time was, when I were a lad, that the only form of advertising you got inside a men’s loo (and apologies if this shocks any members of the opposite sex that were not privy to this information) were things like:
“Blowjobs? Meet Blowjob Bob here Fridays at 4.45pm”
Most of these would greet you at eye level, whether utilising the free-standing, front-facing, stinking urinal devices, or perched down on the rectum stretching pots, written in black marker pen normally next to a hole in the chipboard that separated you from your goggle-eyed neighbour trying to subtly remove the large piece of toilet paper you just made wet in the bowl and stuck into the hole like papier mache to obstruct his view of your young bits and bobs.
Think I’m joking? Ask a man over 40.
But now, things have sunk to a new low. In fact, they’ve been there for a few years. I just felt the need to capture the photographic evidence today because I, for one, have had enough of hilarious piss and penis-themed advertising interrupting me whilst I am trying to alleviate some discomfort from my travels down the highways of Britain.
I present to you three lots from today’s adventure in the shocking Hilton Park services near Birmingham on the M6:
Unfortunately, I did not have the chance to go into the Women’s loo to see if these themes continued in there. If you are a woman, and this kind of advertising goes on there as well, please do let us know in the comments…
You see, It’s not that I’m offended in any way by these adverts at all. No, no. What was I thinking? Of course I’m offended by these adverts. Can’t a man have a pee in peace???
Do the Roundtable really want my first experience of thinking about them to be combined with me holding my tadger and being told that they are EVEN bigger than it?
Just why exactly is that Owl staring at me while I’m trying to avoid splashing on that man’s hush puppies? Where’s the wet toilet tissue when you need it?
How far do the Help for Heroes brigade think a penny is going to go? Just because you’re a charity is no excuse for using the same theme that every single toilet advertiser in Britain has been using for the last ten years at least! (I did donate, so don’t get irate. Stick to the point here).
I think I know why it is that they offend me so much. It’s precisely because they don’t offend me that they offend me.
These adverts are trying to be cheeky, whilst also staying within the boundaries of some perceived idea of taste held by middle-Englanders.
For God’s sake, offend me!
I grew up with Blowjob Bob asking me to meet him in the loo when I was 6 years old. I can take it!
(I never did meet him, but you can bet that if he was famous in any way in the 1970s that Operation Fernbridge won’t be calling on him anytime soon. Along with all the others. Unless his career is fully over already, then they might throw Bob to the slaughter. Poor Bob).
I even tried searching for “offensive toilet advertising”, and this is what I got:
There’s nothing offensive there!
OK. We can’t do offensive anymore. What about funny. Can we do funny in mens toilet advertising?
That’s right. Not a single “spend-a-penny” “look-at-the-size-of-the-roundtables-knob” themed advert in the top twenty Google search results. Proof, if ever any where needed, that Search is once again correct.
So, what exactly is the Roundtable? I was intrigued enough to Google them, and found this…
I watched the video of the man doing the testimonial. Disconcertingly, he says “We’ve developed recently as a table. We’ve bought in some new blood. Some young blood” at 1.44:
How do you develop as a table?
But no mention anywhere about the size of their cocks (although it does say “No funny handshakes” on the homepage. I can see why now).
What about Be Wiser? Surely they’d have something on their homepage linking back hilariously to their line about “saving pounds while you spend a penny”, although how they expect me to do both at exactly the same time is beyond me. It’s hard enough talking on the phone to your mate while your trying to pee round the rim of the bowl to avoid making any splashing sounds, let alone tell call-centre-Tracey the ins and outs of your no-claims bonus. Let’s take a look:
Oh yes! There it is! It’s the free handbag cover offer. Perfectly targeted marketing!
(BTW – we have installed a plugin that allows you to click to enlarge any of these pictures. It won’t, unfortunately, work for your penis).
Finally to Help for Heroes. All I can say here is:
1. Why is the Government not helping these heroes?
2. Why should a charity have to pay to advertise in the first place?
3. You can donate here: http://www.helpforheroes.org.uk/